He gives and takes away

Man, my last post (about my current roadblocks in running a half marathon) was slightly depressing and I've felt convicted about it since writing.

God has given me more than I could ever deserve.  He blessed me with being able to run A LOT this year and has given me legs and feet.  Hallelujah!  Even though they are not perfect, He has given me ability to fight through pain and run anyway.

I want to have a heart that chooses to say, "Lord, blessed be your name" no matter what I have or lack.  So, I'm choosing today to say that, "He gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the Lord!" Listening to the popular christian worship song last night before bed brought me to this place.  I believe He spoke to me through that song about this particular situation.

So, even if He never heals my legs or my feet, and even if he never provides me with new shoes or new orthotics, I will bless Him.  I will trust in Him and I won't leave His side.

As my left foot continues to heal from the damage my heel-wearing did to it last friday night, I'm using this time to re-establish my quiet times and Sabbath days with the Lord.  I never want running to be a higher priority than Him.

I will be able to get my old running shoes back tomorrow since I'm going to Portland to visit my dad for Father's Day.  I'm very excited and hopeful that I can get to training soon!  Right now, I'm trusting that it will be 'when' I start training rather than 'if' I can start training... :)

Roadblocks

I learned in my personal identity class that something is a good story when an obstacle is overcome.  Well, obstacles suck. And sometimes it seems like it's impossible to get passed them.

I've decided to run a half marathon at the end of August ( about 2 months away) with my friends.

I started running this year and was getting pretty good and got up to about 4.5 miles with mostly hills.

Of course, this can't be a good story without obstacles arising.

Let me explain.

I used to be a runner.  I ran cross country my freshman year of high school and then had to drop out part way through my sophomore year. LAME.  I want to say that I had some really good excuse like I fell off of a roof and broke both of my legs, but no.  My pitiful excuse is shin splints. womp womp.

Yeah, some people can just push through the pain, run them off, and eventually they get better or just go away.  Mine don't get better. They get worse and worse until I just can't run anymore.

Come to find out that my feet are seriously messed up with protruding bunions and flat feet :( which contributes to my tendency toward shin splints.

So, I got a good pair of orthotics from a podiatrist and have been able to run in really good saucony shoes as long as I have my custom made orthotics.  I still have pain while running and still get light shin splints but it is nothing compared to what it was in my cross country days.

Yay, obstacle conquered! Right? Nope.

I left my shoes in Portland 2 weeks ago AND they are getting pretty dang worn from all the miles I've put on them.  So, basically I've stopped running and don't really know what to do.  I need to get new shoes and new orthotics but at this point I'm pretty much broke and in debt.  I should probably just drive to Portland and get my dang (for lack of the word I want to use here) shoes.

Oh, but you thought that was my only dillemma??? muahahahaha! (yeah, I'm weird get over it.)  It's sadly not.

I am on the couch and my bunion is in serious pain ever since wearing heels to graduation. Man, I just had to look like Cinderella didn't I? haha ;)  So, I can't run anyway or hardly walk with ease at this point.  So, we'll see how this obstacle pans out....how long it takes my foot to heal....whether I get my shoes back or not...and whether I can find new ones and get new orthotics.  I also feel like even with all of these things I could start training and once I pass 5 miles, my shins and feet will be in so much pain that I can't go on.  I feel like giving up.  Like not even registering for the half marathon...which another thing is 40 dollars (remember..I'm broke as a joke)

So, my story could potentially be really good all because of these roadblocks.  Right now, I'm waiting, practicing patience and waiting to heal and then I will decide the next step (haha get it?) from there.

I'm hoping and praying that in August I'll be a half marathon champ reading this post and laughing at myself for being so dramatic and focused in on my little circumstances.  Until next time, peace out. I'm going to go listen to my Donald Miller audio book in bed :)

Pour in Me to Overflow!

7 days ablaze is here again! It is day 3 of corporate fasting and prayer. I came across this song by Jeremy Riddle for the first time a couple days ago and it is completely my prayer for this week.

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me 
Come wake me from my sleep 
Blow through the caverns of my soul 
Pour in me to overflow, 
to overflow

Jeremy Riddle-Fall Afresh



What power in this song! Lord, there have been so many times throughout this year that I have lost hope in You and become spiritually dead.  Awaken my soul to you and may I receive all that You offer so that I can give to others what I know is true and completely real!


Prayers/Words that have been prayed/spoken over me thus far...

-That I would ask Jesus what I want from Him---He wants to freely give to me.  He doesn't need anything from me!




-I am girded in strength and kindness..like the proverbs 31 woman-WALK IN IT. I struggle so much with self-doubt..uncertainty...insecurity.  No, insecurity.  This is who God made me to be!





-I have a natural/gifted special countenance about me..the way I carry myself-This has given me more confidence in the joy I have to offer to others and not to change this when it seems like I'm being judged negatively by people for it or when the question comes to my mind if I'm doing something wrong or need to act differently.





-Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make straight your paths.
---Man, I have been leaning on my own understanding sooo much lately and getting rolled up in a ball of confusion about God and what He is saying and being filled with anxiety and condemnation.  I will trust the LORD.  He loves me.  He has my best interest in mind.  I want to align my heart with His.






-Men prayed over me as fathers pray over their daughters--Wow, this meant so much to me when an elder prayed for me yesterday at the 6am prayer meeting.  The Lord is constantly bringing Godly men to pray for me and it means so much because I can't remember the last time my earthly father prayed for me.





-That I would be more "vocal" in spreading His kingdom...Wow, exactly my hearts desire.  I know this is the Lord's heart for me.  My mouth holds me back so much...I feel I can't speak or don't know how to say things and then I sink back into my mind..God is working though.  I will cling to His truth and won't let fear hold me back!





-That I would dig my heels in deeper this week...Yesterday, I kinda felt like giving up at work.  It was so hard to be working and fasting at the same time..feeling light headed and sluggish and then feeling like a dumb dumb when I was being trained to close..and not remembering anything that my co-worker said to me or not knowing answers to questions she would ask me.  Also, my sister came home yesterday and it's just a completely different atmosphere when she is here.  It's like I have the toughest time connecting with God when she is here..that could be because I just love hanging out with her and don't want to go in my room...I like spending time with God in the living room haha and that is where we hang out together when she is home.  Also, there is no spiritual connection between us.  I love her to death and want her desperately to come into the kingdom.  I want her to desire Christ and most of the time I feel I do an absolutely terrible job and portraying His love for her.  Anyway, kind of went off on a tangent there.  I know God has more for me this week! He wants to surpass all of my expectations and I just need to keep leaning on Him and drawing from His ever-flowing resources.

Spiritual Attack.

I started School of Ministry this week! I still find it hard to grasp that I did this... Stopped going to school at OSU to go to "church school" (as my dad calls it........bleh :P)  Anyway, It's amazing. Actually, "amazing" doesn't even come close to describing how "amazing" it truly is.  I love it. Today is my first day off and I am already missing school. I wanted to go today so bad!!!

The first few days were pretty tough though, not gonna lie.  I was completely caught off guard.  I knew it was the enemy shooting at me with his fiery darts.

A couple years ago I suffered from horrible demonic dreams at night.  They didn't even seem like dreams either because they seemed so real.  I would be laying in my bed and then just be completely covered by and attacked by demons holding me down so that I couldn't move at all.  I would be screaming out for "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" over and over again and....honestly I can't remember anymore but it was traumatizing.  That dream (which happened several times) is always the first thing that comes to my mind when I think the words "spiritual attack."  This week though, the spiritual attack I encountered was much less traumatic but arguably just as horrible because it actually could have changed the course of my life if I had given into the devil's schemes.

LIES flooded my mind this week. I can't remember the last time I was fed this many lies in such a short period of time.  When the thoughts of these lies are constant, it is difficult(to say the least) not to give into them or even ponder on them.

Some of them were,

"I can't do this." This was a recurring one...wonder why!

"I'm not going to make any friends"

"I have no money. How am I going to pay for this? How am I going to live?" "My job is horrible"

There were a lot more but I have forgotten them now. Anyway, Satan used my innermost fears and just whispered them to me nonstop for the first two weeks of school.

I was also not prepared at all for this spiritual attack.  I think it was a tactic of the enemy to keep me from being in the word and in close fellowship with God as the summer came to a close because in my mind I watered down what SOM would be like and thought, I am going to be in the word all of the time soon. Therefore, it's okay if I'm not reading God's word now.  LIE!  So, that obviously led to a lack of faith, and when our shield of faith is down that is when the enemy has a perfect, open target.

Thankfully, everyday at school those lies were broken with the truth spoken to me through teachers and classmates.  I knew it was attack while it was happening so I made the choice not to act on any of the lies that spun through my mind.  I just wanted them to STOP!!

Well, they eventually did.  At least now they are not coming at the same pace and number as before.  Thank you, Lord!  But I know the enemy hasn't given up.  So, until the next attack I will be in the word.  I will prepare. I will seek the Lord. I will cling to Him.  I will raise my shield of faith.

Bible Neglect.

Lately, I haven't felt like reading my Bible.  Periods of my personal "Bible neglect" start with me just being incredibly busy and thinking about every single thing I need to do in a day ( Not good).  After a couple of days of this, then I just start getting lazy and thinking, 'Oh, I'll just pray.' or 'I'll read it in the morning.'  I start believing lies like, "I won't remember what I read anyway."  or "I need sleep more right now" or "I won't find anything relevant to my life."

So, as I neglect my Bible that is when I feel overwhelmed and as if life itself is crashing in all around my little world.  That's what happened this week.

I move tomorrow and "overwhelmed" has been the defining word of my life this week, as you'll see in my most recent post. 

You'll also find a prayer to my Father. A cry for help and a surrender of all of my worries to Him.

God wasted no time at all to answer my prayer. :D

The next day, my wonderful friend, whom I cherish very much came to visit me in Corvy:) ..well, she was actually job/house hunting but I enjoyed her presence to the fullest nonetheless.  Anyway, she brought me a little note that had the definition of my Charis nickname, Reba (don't ask), in hebrew/greek.  One of the definitions was 'prostration(for sleep)' and I just knew God was speaking to my overwhelmed and tired heart.  That was the very next day after I woke up at three in the morning and couldn't return to my slumber for three solid hours!  I felt like God was just telling me that He cared that I couldn't sleep that night(along with previous nights) and that He wanted to give me rest..and that rest is somewhat part of my identity, which He knew when I got the nickname. CRAZY COOL! RIGHT?  I felt so loved and special as I read that :)

Now, a couple days later I finally got over my Bible neglecting phase and picked it up with a speck of hope that I would find something relevant since I had an impossibly busy day ahead of me and needed spiritual strength.  The verse I turned to touched my heart so deeply.  God just broke all the lies that were keeping me from His holy word and He showed me once again how much He cared about my stressed state.  Here's what I read.

Isaiah 43:1-5

43 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
⁴ Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
    I will bring your offspring from the east,
    and from the west I will gather you.



This made me tear up a bit.  I was blown away that the exact word, "overwhelm" was written because I have literally used that word twenty times this week in my thoughts/speech to describe what I was going through.  God totally met me through His word and showed me how deeply He cares about every detail of my life and how He loves me more than I can ever imagine.  Thank you Lord for answering my prayer! <3

life transitions kill me.

It is currently 5:12 am.  I have only been getting about 6 hours (or less) of sleep every night for the past week and I feel like I'm dying!  It's summer for crying out loud and I have plenty of time to sleep.  My body just won't allow such a thing.  Last night, I went to bed at 10 thinking I would get a long catching up on my rest...but no. My body decides to wake up at 3 and stay awake for the next..who knows how long.  Can you tell I'm bitter? Please, Lord have mercy on me and help me go to sleep.

So, yeah.  The cause of this lack of sleep is my current life transition.  I'm moving out of Charis on Saturday(3 days) and I am just OVER to the WHELMED.  I have a million things on my mind.  It just snuck up on me so fast.  I mean, I'm so ready to move and super excited, It's just that I don't handle change well and I suffer terribly when I'm not in a regular routine.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I need to just lay everything down at Jesus' feet.  Trying to do life by myself without him SUCKS!

Dear Father God,
Please take all of these burdens I'm trying to bear myself.  Please help me to know that you are my strength when I'm weak.  Please help me to seek you first no matter what "I have to do" for each day.  Help me to trust you in this transition and to recover from my sleep deprivation.  I give all of my worries to you right now.  Thank you that you love me and you care.  Thank you for being with me through all of life's changes.  I love you.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Blue Like Jazz...

I just finished reading the book, Blue Like Jazz. I feel like it changed my life in some way.  The whole time I was reading it, like every other paragragh, I was thinking, "wow, this book is so good. this book is so good." And I got such an excited feeling inside me like I wanted to tell the whole world how good this book is..but alas, I was in my silent living room where only the fruit flies in the kitchen trash cans would hear me if I did indeed shout it out at the top of my lungs.


And then I think, other people probably didn't even think the book was that good(not like me at least) and I wonder why I liked it so much and why other people would say, "oh yeah that book was really good" while I'm like, HEY WORLD READ THIS BOOK!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!


I think I liked it so much because I never was a "reader".  Growing up, I prefered to watch Spongebob on Nickelodeon rather than reading a book that put me to sleep ;-).  Yeah, I know I sound lazy.  But I'm realizing maybe it was because I never found the good books, the ones that actually captivate me like this one.


The book reminded me right away of the book, Catcher in the Rye, which I read in High School only because it was required for my English class.  I loved that book dearly, well the first half at least.  What makes Blue Like Jazz and Catcher in the Rye so great is that they are just plain down to earth real and honest.  Nothing is wrong or bad to say.  It just is.  These guys are just spewing thoughts out of their heads whether other people agree with them or not.  And they are hilarious, too.  They make me feel normal which is such a breath of fresh air and they inspire me to be myself and not try to fit into something that I'm not, to say what I think and do what I want without worrying so much about other people.


I really want to read it through again just so I can write down all of the quotes that made me crack up or think or question my own life.  Reading that book made me feel like so much of my life is just fake, like I am not honest with God or myself and that's what thrusts me into a rut so much of the time.


It made me look at how I interact with the people around me.  A lot of the time, in relationships, I stay at a distance, on guard against being messed with or rejected.  So, instead (much of the time) of being a part of conversations, I am analyzing them, analyzing the person I'm talking to, evaluating myself, as if I'm watching a TV show even while I am listening and responding. Yeah, messed up, right?  Well this book has completely changed how I interact with people. I do still fall into the old way of interaction at times but I am so much more involved now and have learned how to actually enjoy conversations with people.  


Blue Like Jazz showed me love in a way I had never seen it before.  It exposed my secrets and faults as a "Christian." and it made me want to run from everything that isn't real and just be honest before God and to myself.  I guess it just showed me how freaking judgemental I can be and how I really do view unbelievers in a different way than Christians.  But how can I do that?  We are all human.  All created the same. Same thoughts, same emotions, same desires, same tendency to pull away from God and indulge in our sinful nature.  So, I'll get to the point.  Blue Like Jazz showed me to love everyone the same.  To show people that I love them and to let them love me and most of all to let God love me and receive that love so that all of this is possible!


This brings me to my next point.  I realized that even when people have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they have a large capacity to love.  I have not really thought about this before and I hadn't treated those who don't know Jesus as though this is a true fact.   I believe this is because we were all created in the image of God. I know that when we do believe and confess the death and resurrection of Jesus for us, we receive the Holy Spirit and when we are walking in that, that's when the capacity to love surpasses everything you've ever known or understood.  I think that when we see unbelievers loving at a greater capacity than believers, it means that believers have gotten caught up in do's and don'ts and in fearing man over fearing God.  It is the Holy Spirit within us that brings the love inside all of us to a God kind of love.  With the holy spirit we are capable of loving others as Jesus loved us.  We are capable of loving the man who murdered our son.  We are capable of loving the woman who stole our husband. We are capable of loving the girl who turned everyone against us in high school.  We are capable of loving the boy who ripped out our heart and tore it to pieces.  We are capable of loving the people who reject us and hate us.


After I read this book, I started to really show people love when I conversed with them.  It changed my conversations radically.  I was no longer thinking about what I would say next or asking myself, "why would they say that?" or thinking how I wanted to be done with the conversation because it was stressful to me and drained me of energy.  Now, I was just talking to them radiating love to them, thinking about loving them and trusting that they love me.  Or if they don't, or if I just don't know them well enough, I'll tell myself that they want to love me and that if they don't end up loving me, God loves me (no matter what every moment) and I don't need to earn anyone's love. My only task is to love.  Receive love from God. Love God in return. Love Myself. and Love others.