Contrast of darkness and light

Looking back to the shadows
I'm so thankful for the low times because it makes me recognize the wonder of life when God lifts me out of darkness. I was so depressed last spring. I remember journaling about it because I knew that God would bring me out of it and I wanted to remember what He brought me from.

March 18th, 2016
"I feel extremely alone and depressed and sad. I know without a doubt that God is still working but it doesn't take away the pain and confusion and hollowness."

"I feel empty. I desperately need to be filled."

Prayers
"Lift me out of the pit."
"Fill my empty places."
"Speak to me."
"Fill me."
"Remind me who I am."
"Remind me why I am here."
"Restore my joy."

March 22nd, 2016
"I am depressed. Life has lost it's meaning. I will be getting my MS degree in 9 months now and I don't even care. I want to go home. The past few days, I have been in tears whenever my mind is not distracted by school work or rotations. I'm moving in life but I feel dead inside. I feel so alone. I am struggling to believe I will regain abundant life."

"When I first came here, I was so excited for all the opportunities and new experiences and new people I would meet and all the ways God would use me and now, it all just feels meaningless."

"I know that the Lord is faithful and that when He does restore my soul, I can look back and see where He brought me from."

REVIVAL
I can say with full confidence that I have been lifted from the pit, my joy has been restored, my empty places are filled, I remember who I am, I remember why I am here. I am actually more joyful, more myself, more alive than before the dark place. I don't know if I would have arrived at this place if it hadn't of been for the trials I went through. Oftentimes, something has to die, or torn away, before something new can come forth.

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here (Written April, 2016)

I came here, 10 states away from home, in August. I was full of excitement, full of dreams, full of passions, full of hope. Now, it's April and I'm sucked dry. I want to go home. I don't care about getting my Master's degree. I am not enjoying life. I don't like it here. I feel like an Israelite wandering through the desert and I've lost sight of how I got here and where I am going. I can't see my purpose. I am living life as a victim. Why is this happening? Well, I got dumped, rejected, kicked to the curb by the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I put all my eggs in that basket and lost sight of my own dreams...now, he and my dreams are gone and I don't want to go on anymore.

The truth is...

The Lord brought me to Ohio.

The Lord has called me to be a Dietitian.

The Lord has brought me to live in this home.

The Lord is good.

The Lord has never left me nor forsaken me.

The Lord has given me a safe place to live.

The Lord has given me wonderful opportunities to learn and grow.

The Lord has given me a great gym to workout at.

The Lord has given me good professors who are passionate.

The Lord has brought lots of people in my life who care about me.

The Lord has given me time to do my homework.

The Lord has a plan for my life.

The Lord loves me, unconditionally.

The Lord lifts my head.

The Lord catches my tears.

The Lord is faithful.

The Lord sees.

The Lord knows.

The Lord is teaching me through the difficult things.

Attack on a 20-something-year-old's identity

Identity Attack (Written May, 2016)
I am in the middle of a Donald Miller book and I must say, his writing inspires me to write. And I don't get inspired to write very often. It's the honesty. I soak that shit up.

Anyway, I realize that I am having such a difficult time in life right now because my identity has been consistently attacked the whole time I've been in Ohio. And I know I'm not alone in the struggle, being in my twenties, figuring out my purpose in life, and wrestling between hope and doubt for my future.

It seems that the majority of my peers in their mid-20's are feeling like they are being knocked down, struggling to figure out life, facing discouragement about the difficulty of life, and finding deep disappointment in what life has become and in where they seem to be headed. And I wonder...could it be that the mid-20's is an opportune time for the enemy to attack? Maybe identity is the enemy's number one target for us young adults...young, excited, full-of-potential adults who possess God-given passions, talents and gifts to make an impact for His kingdom on earth...but not if our identity is wounded, forgotten, or stolen.

Jesus began his ministry when he was around 30 years old (Luke 3:23). The enemy came after him just prior to this time because it was "an opportune time." The enemy has the same tactics today, and we cannot ignore them by looking at this time in our lives simply as "a difficult time that will pass."

Bringing Lies into the Light
Lies have been thrown at me through every life situation I have experienced during my Ohio adventure.

Situation 1: Group Project
First, I think of Fall Semester when I had this huge group project, which haunts me to this day. This project required a TON of time, thought and effort. I mean, what did I expect, I'm in grad school for crying out loud! But, I was unprepared and regretfully unwilling to put in the "unjust" work requirement for the project. So, I chose to place greater investment in something else...a romantic relationship...that didn't last.

The Lies:
The lies thrown at me through this situation are...I'm a failure...I'm indebted to other people for doing my share of the work...I cut corners...I use my Christianity and my smile to breeze through without doing anything meaningful...I don't care....I think an "apology" will make it all better...

Situation 2: Living Situation
Living with a married couple who invited me into their family and did more for me than I could repay.

The Lies:
The lies are...I don't contribute...I don't love...I'm selfish....I don't care...I don't work hard...I'm uninteresting...I'm a taker rather than a giver....

Situation 3: My Prior Relationship
Love and loss.

The Lies:
The lies are...the real me isn't enough...not even isn't enough but isn't desirable...my stress and anxiety are too much of a burden for anyone...I shouldn't put anyone through that...

Situation 4: Clinical Rotation
The lies are...I'm dumb...I'm slow...I couldn't handle having a full patient load in a hospital...

Situation 5: Friendships
The lies are...I take more than I give...I expect others to do everything...

Situation 6: WIC rotation
The lies are, I can't connect with people....I'm too timid to be a competent counselor...

Situation 7: FS rotation
The lies are, I'm timid...I'm lazy...I'm afraid...I'm quiet...I don't take initiative...I don't care...

LORD, speak truth over me. I'm desperate for Your truth to penetrate each and every one of these lies that is thrown at me daily.

What is the truth?

I am bold as a lion.

I possess a gentle and quiet spirit.

I am smart.

I am a giver.

I love.

I care.

I am honest.

I work hard.

I take initiative.

I am efficient.

Who I am is enough and it is desirable.

Who I am will change the world for the good.

I have a lot to offer in relationships.

I can connect with people.

I am interesting.

I am successful.

Jesus paid it all.

I am indebted to no one because all things are from HIM.

I may be selfish, afraid, lazy, and uncaring at times but these characteristics are not my identity. My identity is in Jesus Christ, in his death and resurrection. The truth is, I am a sinner but I am no longer defined by my sinful nature. The Father sees me only through His perfect and spotless Son and therefore, I AM perfect and spotless by the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ.

I will not allow the enemy to steal my bright future. I will look to Jesus daily for an "identity check" and be on guard against every scheme of attack on who God has created me to be.

Ask Yourself
What situations in your life is the enemy using to speak a false identity to you? Pin-point the lies and then shatter them with the truth of what God says about you.

Dear Broken-hearted,

You are hurting. It's okay to hurt.

It's okay to feel lost and alone. But that doesn't mean that you are.

I love you.
I am with you.
You are going to be okay.
Life is going to be okay.
I am going to help you write this paper.
I am going to help you in your rotations.
I am going to build your friendships.
I am going to restore the devastated places.
I am going to help you forgive yourself
and forgive the man who broke your heart.
I am going to help you with your finances.
I am going to help you get a job.
I am going to bring you a husband who cherishes you
but puts Me first.
I have blessed You.
I will take You where I desire and where you let me.
I will carry you through the storms that come your way.
I love you. I will never stop loving you.
I formed you in your mother's womb.
I brought you into this world for a purpose,
many purposes,
and I am not done with you yet.
I will heal your broken heart.
I will make old things new. I will dry your tears.
I will give you peace and I will fill you with joy.
You are not alone. You will never be alone.
I know you are far away from your friends and family
and I know that is hard for you.
I knew it would not be easy for you.
But I knew you would have to look to me
and depend on me when things got tough.
Look to me, depend on me, lean on me.
I will see you through.

With deep compassion,
JC

There is Hope for me yet

I don't know if this is completely true or not,  but at this point in my life, I can't handle as much as most people.  I get stressed out easily and my body reacts in a whole bunch of funky ways.  I have always been a sensitive person.  As a child I would cry endlessly.  Thankfully, I don't cry much anymore, unless I am really stressed out, which described my life just a few short months ago.

Taking a year to do School of Ministry made me forget what "real" school was like, not to say that Bible school was a walk in the park but it was difficult in different ways.  I went from a small, safe place where grace abounds to a heartless pressure cooker where there are thousands of students packed in, like grains of rice<--haha I may be exaggerating just a tad.

Anyway, I was ready to go back but I wasn't prepared.  I had almost 20 hrs/week scheduled to work and then scheduled on-call the other days.  I had fifteen credits to conquer in difficult and time-consuming classes as I entered into the dietetics program.  I also volunteered to do an international student group outreach.  In theory, I would have a lot on my plate but "I could handle it" and it wasn't too much.

I was wrong about that one  Stress plagued me 24/7.  I was even stressed when I wasn't stressed.  I lost passion for my major and my future career.  I lost drive for pursuing God.  I felt like a failure.  I broke down in tears at least once every week.  I was even stressing out my roommates and everyone else around me.  Yes, stress is contagious.  I was going down in flames and every part of my life caught fire.

What did I do about it???

I was on the ground in a pool of hopeless tears when I knew I had to drop my ministry commitment to internationals.  That brought on stresses of it's own, such as guilt.  God has shown me grace.  I know that I won't be committing to any ministry in the future unless I know it is a season that I can actually be a usable vessel for God.

After consulting with my parents and realizing that I needed to set boundaries at work, I dropped my hours down to just 3 specific days/week and not on-call.  This significantly eased my stress because now, I actually  had a couple days during daylight to focus on homework instead of doing HW at crazy hours after 9pm or before 8am every day.

I was so happy to be done by the end of the term and desperately needed the break.

This term, I am doing things differently.  I realize that I am in control of my own life and need to make decisions that are conducive to the best life that I can live.  I am recognizing how much havoc stress has wreaked on my body and I refuse to let that continue to happen.  Choices I'm making this term,

-Working 2 days a week on weekends

-Reading my Bible every day(in a non-legalistic way)

-Taking 12 credits

-Writing down what I need to do in a realistic time frame

-Making Sunday a Sabbath day

-Taking time to reflect/journal/blog

-Reading leisurely before bed rather than facebooking

-Making time for and bringing more focus to relationships

-Taking time to clean and organize

Here is the recipe for my own personal success.  Life is meant to be enjoyed.  After week 1 of the term, I can honestly say that I love my life.  I'm not looking forward to the weekend.  I am looking forward to TODAY.  It is going to be a great day!

He gives and takes away

Man, my last post (about my current roadblocks in running a half marathon) was slightly depressing and I've felt convicted about it since writing.

God has given me more than I could ever deserve.  He blessed me with being able to run A LOT this year and has given me legs and feet.  Hallelujah!  Even though they are not perfect, He has given me ability to fight through pain and run anyway.

I want to have a heart that chooses to say, "Lord, blessed be your name" no matter what I have or lack.  So, I'm choosing today to say that, "He gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the Lord!" Listening to the popular christian worship song last night before bed brought me to this place.  I believe He spoke to me through that song about this particular situation.

So, even if He never heals my legs or my feet, and even if he never provides me with new shoes or new orthotics, I will bless Him.  I will trust in Him and I won't leave His side.

As my left foot continues to heal from the damage my heel-wearing did to it last friday night, I'm using this time to re-establish my quiet times and Sabbath days with the Lord.  I never want running to be a higher priority than Him.

I will be able to get my old running shoes back tomorrow since I'm going to Portland to visit my dad for Father's Day.  I'm very excited and hopeful that I can get to training soon!  Right now, I'm trusting that it will be 'when' I start training rather than 'if' I can start training... :)

Roadblocks

I learned in my personal identity class that something is a good story when an obstacle is overcome.  Well, obstacles suck. And sometimes it seems like it's impossible to get passed them.

I've decided to run a half marathon at the end of August ( about 2 months away) with my friends.

I started running this year and was getting pretty good and got up to about 4.5 miles with mostly hills.

Of course, this can't be a good story without obstacles arising.

Let me explain.

I used to be a runner.  I ran cross country my freshman year of high school and then had to drop out part way through my sophomore year. LAME.  I want to say that I had some really good excuse like I fell off of a roof and broke both of my legs, but no.  My pitiful excuse is shin splints. womp womp.

Yeah, some people can just push through the pain, run them off, and eventually they get better or just go away.  Mine don't get better. They get worse and worse until I just can't run anymore.

Come to find out that my feet are seriously messed up with protruding bunions and flat feet :( which contributes to my tendency toward shin splints.

So, I got a good pair of orthotics from a podiatrist and have been able to run in really good saucony shoes as long as I have my custom made orthotics.  I still have pain while running and still get light shin splints but it is nothing compared to what it was in my cross country days.

Yay, obstacle conquered! Right? Nope.

I left my shoes in Portland 2 weeks ago AND they are getting pretty dang worn from all the miles I've put on them.  So, basically I've stopped running and don't really know what to do.  I need to get new shoes and new orthotics but at this point I'm pretty much broke and in debt.  I should probably just drive to Portland and get my dang (for lack of the word I want to use here) shoes.

Oh, but you thought that was my only dillemma??? muahahahaha! (yeah, I'm weird get over it.)  It's sadly not.

I am on the couch and my bunion is in serious pain ever since wearing heels to graduation. Man, I just had to look like Cinderella didn't I? haha ;)  So, I can't run anyway or hardly walk with ease at this point.  So, we'll see how this obstacle pans out....how long it takes my foot to heal....whether I get my shoes back or not...and whether I can find new ones and get new orthotics.  I also feel like even with all of these things I could start training and once I pass 5 miles, my shins and feet will be in so much pain that I can't go on.  I feel like giving up.  Like not even registering for the half marathon...which another thing is 40 dollars (remember..I'm broke as a joke)

So, my story could potentially be really good all because of these roadblocks.  Right now, I'm waiting, practicing patience and waiting to heal and then I will decide the next step (haha get it?) from there.

I'm hoping and praying that in August I'll be a half marathon champ reading this post and laughing at myself for being so dramatic and focused in on my little circumstances.  Until next time, peace out. I'm going to go listen to my Donald Miller audio book in bed :)