Spiritual Attack.

I started School of Ministry this week! I still find it hard to grasp that I did this... Stopped going to school at OSU to go to "church school" (as my dad calls it........bleh :P)  Anyway, It's amazing. Actually, "amazing" doesn't even come close to describing how "amazing" it truly is.  I love it. Today is my first day off and I am already missing school. I wanted to go today so bad!!!

The first few days were pretty tough though, not gonna lie.  I was completely caught off guard.  I knew it was the enemy shooting at me with his fiery darts.

A couple years ago I suffered from horrible demonic dreams at night.  They didn't even seem like dreams either because they seemed so real.  I would be laying in my bed and then just be completely covered by and attacked by demons holding me down so that I couldn't move at all.  I would be screaming out for "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" over and over again and....honestly I can't remember anymore but it was traumatizing.  That dream (which happened several times) is always the first thing that comes to my mind when I think the words "spiritual attack."  This week though, the spiritual attack I encountered was much less traumatic but arguably just as horrible because it actually could have changed the course of my life if I had given into the devil's schemes.

LIES flooded my mind this week. I can't remember the last time I was fed this many lies in such a short period of time.  When the thoughts of these lies are constant, it is difficult(to say the least) not to give into them or even ponder on them.

Some of them were,

"I can't do this." This was a recurring one...wonder why!

"I'm not going to make any friends"

"I have no money. How am I going to pay for this? How am I going to live?" "My job is horrible"

There were a lot more but I have forgotten them now. Anyway, Satan used my innermost fears and just whispered them to me nonstop for the first two weeks of school.

I was also not prepared at all for this spiritual attack.  I think it was a tactic of the enemy to keep me from being in the word and in close fellowship with God as the summer came to a close because in my mind I watered down what SOM would be like and thought, I am going to be in the word all of the time soon. Therefore, it's okay if I'm not reading God's word now.  LIE!  So, that obviously led to a lack of faith, and when our shield of faith is down that is when the enemy has a perfect, open target.

Thankfully, everyday at school those lies were broken with the truth spoken to me through teachers and classmates.  I knew it was attack while it was happening so I made the choice not to act on any of the lies that spun through my mind.  I just wanted them to STOP!!

Well, they eventually did.  At least now they are not coming at the same pace and number as before.  Thank you, Lord!  But I know the enemy hasn't given up.  So, until the next attack I will be in the word.  I will prepare. I will seek the Lord. I will cling to Him.  I will raise my shield of faith.

Bible Neglect.

Lately, I haven't felt like reading my Bible.  Periods of my personal "Bible neglect" start with me just being incredibly busy and thinking about every single thing I need to do in a day ( Not good).  After a couple of days of this, then I just start getting lazy and thinking, 'Oh, I'll just pray.' or 'I'll read it in the morning.'  I start believing lies like, "I won't remember what I read anyway."  or "I need sleep more right now" or "I won't find anything relevant to my life."

So, as I neglect my Bible that is when I feel overwhelmed and as if life itself is crashing in all around my little world.  That's what happened this week.

I move tomorrow and "overwhelmed" has been the defining word of my life this week, as you'll see in my most recent post. 

You'll also find a prayer to my Father. A cry for help and a surrender of all of my worries to Him.

God wasted no time at all to answer my prayer. :D

The next day, my wonderful friend, whom I cherish very much came to visit me in Corvy:) ..well, she was actually job/house hunting but I enjoyed her presence to the fullest nonetheless.  Anyway, she brought me a little note that had the definition of my Charis nickname, Reba (don't ask), in hebrew/greek.  One of the definitions was 'prostration(for sleep)' and I just knew God was speaking to my overwhelmed and tired heart.  That was the very next day after I woke up at three in the morning and couldn't return to my slumber for three solid hours!  I felt like God was just telling me that He cared that I couldn't sleep that night(along with previous nights) and that He wanted to give me rest..and that rest is somewhat part of my identity, which He knew when I got the nickname. CRAZY COOL! RIGHT?  I felt so loved and special as I read that :)

Now, a couple days later I finally got over my Bible neglecting phase and picked it up with a speck of hope that I would find something relevant since I had an impossibly busy day ahead of me and needed spiritual strength.  The verse I turned to touched my heart so deeply.  God just broke all the lies that were keeping me from His holy word and He showed me once again how much He cared about my stressed state.  Here's what I read.

Isaiah 43:1-5

43 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
⁴ Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life.
⁵ Fear not, for I am with you;
    I will bring your offspring from the east,
    and from the west I will gather you.



This made me tear up a bit.  I was blown away that the exact word, "overwhelm" was written because I have literally used that word twenty times this week in my thoughts/speech to describe what I was going through.  God totally met me through His word and showed me how deeply He cares about every detail of my life and how He loves me more than I can ever imagine.  Thank you Lord for answering my prayer! <3

life transitions kill me.

It is currently 5:12 am.  I have only been getting about 6 hours (or less) of sleep every night for the past week and I feel like I'm dying!  It's summer for crying out loud and I have plenty of time to sleep.  My body just won't allow such a thing.  Last night, I went to bed at 10 thinking I would get a long catching up on my rest...but no. My body decides to wake up at 3 and stay awake for the next..who knows how long.  Can you tell I'm bitter? Please, Lord have mercy on me and help me go to sleep.

So, yeah.  The cause of this lack of sleep is my current life transition.  I'm moving out of Charis on Saturday(3 days) and I am just OVER to the WHELMED.  I have a million things on my mind.  It just snuck up on me so fast.  I mean, I'm so ready to move and super excited, It's just that I don't handle change well and I suffer terribly when I'm not in a regular routine.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that I need to just lay everything down at Jesus' feet.  Trying to do life by myself without him SUCKS!

Dear Father God,
Please take all of these burdens I'm trying to bear myself.  Please help me to know that you are my strength when I'm weak.  Please help me to seek you first no matter what "I have to do" for each day.  Help me to trust you in this transition and to recover from my sleep deprivation.  I give all of my worries to you right now.  Thank you that you love me and you care.  Thank you for being with me through all of life's changes.  I love you.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Blue Like Jazz...

I just finished reading the book, Blue Like Jazz. I feel like it changed my life in some way.  The whole time I was reading it, like every other paragragh, I was thinking, "wow, this book is so good. this book is so good." And I got such an excited feeling inside me like I wanted to tell the whole world how good this book is..but alas, I was in my silent living room where only the fruit flies in the kitchen trash cans would hear me if I did indeed shout it out at the top of my lungs.


And then I think, other people probably didn't even think the book was that good(not like me at least) and I wonder why I liked it so much and why other people would say, "oh yeah that book was really good" while I'm like, HEY WORLD READ THIS BOOK!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!


I think I liked it so much because I never was a "reader".  Growing up, I prefered to watch Spongebob on Nickelodeon rather than reading a book that put me to sleep ;-).  Yeah, I know I sound lazy.  But I'm realizing maybe it was because I never found the good books, the ones that actually captivate me like this one.


The book reminded me right away of the book, Catcher in the Rye, which I read in High School only because it was required for my English class.  I loved that book dearly, well the first half at least.  What makes Blue Like Jazz and Catcher in the Rye so great is that they are just plain down to earth real and honest.  Nothing is wrong or bad to say.  It just is.  These guys are just spewing thoughts out of their heads whether other people agree with them or not.  And they are hilarious, too.  They make me feel normal which is such a breath of fresh air and they inspire me to be myself and not try to fit into something that I'm not, to say what I think and do what I want without worrying so much about other people.


I really want to read it through again just so I can write down all of the quotes that made me crack up or think or question my own life.  Reading that book made me feel like so much of my life is just fake, like I am not honest with God or myself and that's what thrusts me into a rut so much of the time.


It made me look at how I interact with the people around me.  A lot of the time, in relationships, I stay at a distance, on guard against being messed with or rejected.  So, instead (much of the time) of being a part of conversations, I am analyzing them, analyzing the person I'm talking to, evaluating myself, as if I'm watching a TV show even while I am listening and responding. Yeah, messed up, right?  Well this book has completely changed how I interact with people. I do still fall into the old way of interaction at times but I am so much more involved now and have learned how to actually enjoy conversations with people.  


Blue Like Jazz showed me love in a way I had never seen it before.  It exposed my secrets and faults as a "Christian." and it made me want to run from everything that isn't real and just be honest before God and to myself.  I guess it just showed me how freaking judgemental I can be and how I really do view unbelievers in a different way than Christians.  But how can I do that?  We are all human.  All created the same. Same thoughts, same emotions, same desires, same tendency to pull away from God and indulge in our sinful nature.  So, I'll get to the point.  Blue Like Jazz showed me to love everyone the same.  To show people that I love them and to let them love me and most of all to let God love me and receive that love so that all of this is possible!


This brings me to my next point.  I realized that even when people have not accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, they have a large capacity to love.  I have not really thought about this before and I hadn't treated those who don't know Jesus as though this is a true fact.   I believe this is because we were all created in the image of God. I know that when we do believe and confess the death and resurrection of Jesus for us, we receive the Holy Spirit and when we are walking in that, that's when the capacity to love surpasses everything you've ever known or understood.  I think that when we see unbelievers loving at a greater capacity than believers, it means that believers have gotten caught up in do's and don'ts and in fearing man over fearing God.  It is the Holy Spirit within us that brings the love inside all of us to a God kind of love.  With the holy spirit we are capable of loving others as Jesus loved us.  We are capable of loving the man who murdered our son.  We are capable of loving the woman who stole our husband. We are capable of loving the girl who turned everyone against us in high school.  We are capable of loving the boy who ripped out our heart and tore it to pieces.  We are capable of loving the people who reject us and hate us.


After I read this book, I started to really show people love when I conversed with them.  It changed my conversations radically.  I was no longer thinking about what I would say next or asking myself, "why would they say that?" or thinking how I wanted to be done with the conversation because it was stressful to me and drained me of energy.  Now, I was just talking to them radiating love to them, thinking about loving them and trusting that they love me.  Or if they don't, or if I just don't know them well enough, I'll tell myself that they want to love me and that if they don't end up loving me, God loves me (no matter what every moment) and I don't need to earn anyone's love. My only task is to love.  Receive love from God. Love God in return. Love Myself. and Love others.

God's Endless Pursuit

As my years at The House of Charis come to a close, I look back in awe of God's faithfulness in spite of how little I deserved it.  He pursued me when I ran as hard as I could away from Him, in fear of what He could possibly want from me.  He met me broken and alone. He lifted me out of the pit of despair and hopelessness.  He led me even when I was in sin and complete disobedience, full of pride and confusion and selfishness.

I was that girl,
full of fear.
A deep need to please
every person around me.

I was that girl,
depressed.
Trying to do it my way
and failing again and again
and again.
A vicious cycle,
spiraling deeper into the depths of Hell.

I was that girl,
confused.
Preferring pretty illusions
over the painful truth.

I was that girl,
bearing burdens
that weren't mine to carry.
Striving for perfection.
Rooted and grounded in inadequacy.

I was that girl
full of ugly rage.
Trying to change others.
Nothing wrong with me.

I was that girl,
incapable
of initiating love
or returning love.

I was that girl
asking,
where was God?
no answer.

I was that girl,
begging
for Him to fix everything.
Refusing to take the steps
I knew I had to take.

I was that girl
looking
to a person
for salvation.
Never satisfied.
Continually let down,
drowning in tears
every night.

I was that girl,
isolated
settling into the dark corner;
comfortable and safe,
forgetting what light was like.

I was that girl,
guided
to the light
by those He placed around me
living fully immersed
in the light.


I was that girl,
known
all along
by He who rescued me.


I am that girl,
set free
from the tight grip
of the enemy.

I am that girl,
covered
in salvation
not from a person,
only Jesus Christ.

I am that girl,
healed.
A bound up heart
pumping with new life.


I am that girl,
able
to love
and be loved.


I am that girl,
growing
everyday,
filled with joy,
and peace.
Rooted and grounded
in love and grace.

I am that girl,
living
in light
and changed
forever.